Grown Child Conflicts

To Those Caught Between Unconditional Love and Boundaries:

It is incredibly painful to live with an adult child who struggles with her mental health and sees you as the enemy when you're trying to support her in taking care of herself. Family members have advised that you’re supposed to love your child unconditionally and keep supporting them no matter what.

Loving unconditionally means offering love without restrictions or strings attached. But what do you do when you love your child, but don’t like who they’ve become? And is continuing to support them in their current behaviors and choices—essentially enabling them—helping, or is it hurting? What happens when your ongoing support drains you financially and emotionally?

In preparation for this post, I came across a YouTube video by Sally Harris, who describes herself as an expert on Moms of Estranged Adult Kids. Her video, titled “I love my child… but I don’t like who they’ve become,” speaks to a pain many mothers carry in silence: “No one talks about the part of motherhood where you still love your child, but you don’t necessarily like who they’ve become.” This truth can feel harsh to admit, especially in a culture that glorifies unconditional love without acknowledging the emotional toll it can take.  Here are additional takeaways from Sally’s video:

A powerful shift happens when we learn to separate our adult child’s behaviors from who they are as a person. You can love them deeply and still feel hurt, angry, or mistrustful about how they treat you or live their life. This separation allows you to say, “This behavior is not okay,” without equating it to “You are unlovable.” That clarity becomes a lifeline for both compassion and healthy boundaries.

Many moms worry that setting boundaries means giving up on their adult child, but the opposite is true. Boundaries protect your emotional health while still holding space for love. You can love them while creating emotional distance that preserves your well-being. This doesn’t make you cold or heartless—it makes you human, with your own needs, limits, and right to peace.

Guilt often convinces mothers they’re doing something wrong by protecting themselves. But guilt doesn’t always mean guilty. Sometimes it just means you’re challenging an old story—like the belief that good mothers never say no. Your feelings don’t make you a bad mom—they make you human. Feeling anger, grief, resentment, or even relief doesn’t cancel out the love you hold.

If you’ve been pouring every ounce of emotional energy into trying to fix or rescue your child, it’s okay to redirect some of that energy back to yourself. Healing doesn’t mean abandoning them—it means reclaiming your well-being. Investing in yourself—your rest, your passions, your mental health—is not selfish; it’s necessary. You’ve carried the weight of their pain for so long. You deserve to put it down.

Remember: loving someone doesn’t mean you have to accept harmful behavior. Your child’s mental health struggles may explain her actions, but they do not excuse them. You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to say, “This is not okay.” Loving unconditionally doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment, manipulation, or constant crisis. You can care deeply for your daughter and still decide that her current behaviors are not something you can continue to enable—especially when it’s draining your emotional, psychological, and financial well-being.

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do—for both them and ourselves—is to stop rescuing and start stepping back. As Iyanla Vanzant said, “Every time you rescue someone, you rob them of the chance to grow.”

Offering strength,

Katie

Important note: If your adult child is expressing suicidal thoughts or behaviors, the situation may require immediate professional support. Setting boundaries is still important, but safety must come first. You don’t have to navigate this alone—reach out to a mental health professional or crisis resource for guidance and support. Your well-being matters too.

These thoughts come from my experience as a therapist and a human. They’re not medical or mental health advice. Everyone’s journey is different—please reach out for support if you need it.